Scary Uncertainities

sometimes i look at life like a bystander, to make an astute observation , and often speculate to myself , of how life is a big red carpet of uncertainities, and we are our own unceremonious celebrities walking it down, not quite knowing what comes at the end. It baffles me , because , i know people, who seem so sure of themselves. I for one am not. Much to the dismay of my own confused self , i often take decisions quite easily and often to a  brutal finality , however , what decisions are those? fickle one's , i smile wryly , mocking my ownself. 

As it becomes so apparent to me, taking decisions, life altering one's can be such an engrossing task , that often i end up swaying past and taking bizzare detours into collateral thoughts, and the original point becomes rather moot. It would have been easier if life probably was not such a complex interplay , if i my decision would affect just me , i think , that'd have made me quite a daredevil , but as prudence ingrained into minds of middle class speaks, i find myself at cross roads. 

what all can one hold himself responsible for , i mean i process we all get hurt and we all hurt someone. our reasons can be different , but the honest truth is, that we all do that , and sometimes repeatedly so. I guess making mistakes and learning from them is not quite applicable to a few things in life. Sometimes when you take a decision , no matter how uncertain you are , you have to live with it, no matter what the consequences can be. It is a scary thought .

random rants

There are days when i think , of how far from home have i come, not the distances that you travel in miles, but from that little mountain boy , i think i might have come a long way. If i were to go searching semblences of my former self  , today , i think , i might find them lurking somewhere .It's rather bizzare , but , when  today i think of tomorrow , i can only see upto a  point , sketch one attainable dream . Today , i might be somehwere close to where i once thought i would be, and yet , i think , happiness is elusive , if not fully , partially still.  So the fecundity of it all becomes so apparent to me. We go chasing success , not really knowing at times , what success means to us anyways. Ironic though , but the measures of success aren't really ours , so many a times, no wonder , it might feel hollow.

Coming back to drifting away , i think it begins when you start believing that successful people are the one's who are the happiest. I think as a race  , our intelligence comes to us at a price. It takes away from us , the capability to truly see within , and find what is happiness. so the stuff of legends, of kings perishing in deserts in search of meaning  , of queens dying gazing at mirrors,  could be true after all, for all they depict , are but the very vices in the virtues , humanity tries to measure itself in..

I remember those days of winters , when the snow storm would last for days , and i would sit huddled in a small appartment with my family. And in those moments , when a valiant candle light would try hard to play with the darkness , all i would want , would be for that night to be over, and sun to shine , so that i could go out and play. yes , at a level , i think i am far away from that little boy i was once, but do i really see my nights any different?Tthat's a question that intrigues me, because today, when the snow , the storm, the darkness aren't really there , why do i just wish for the night to be over. It's a relief sometimes, to be able to not think beyond a day, to be able to put all those looming shreds of doubts of success and future , at the back alley of the complex mind, and may be just listen to an indistinct noise of the dusk , when all the birds , come back home, and sing the song of their hearts!